Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
