I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
