I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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