JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
