I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
