the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
