Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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