Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
