Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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