I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
