if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
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I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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