I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
