my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
