as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
