is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
