Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
