the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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