he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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