are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?