I faked an abortion last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
