Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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