6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
