remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
