just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
