my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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