I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
