just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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