She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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