Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
