I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
