Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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