his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
