hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
