Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
