For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
