The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
