You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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