I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
