I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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