She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
