census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
