I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk is not a location!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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