Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
