i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
