What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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