You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
