Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
