theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
