she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had to cum in my sink.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
