you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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