sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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