did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
