i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
