I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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