mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
