I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
