I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize